Week 15 March 2 - 8

This past week has been extremely stressful for Joe and me.

To make the long story short, un-necessary family drama can really pose a lot of strain in a pregnant woman. I think the root of the family drama is jealously, insecurity, anger, fear to lose control, manipulation, bully etc. To me, it was a joke. Simply a joke. Once again, I feel sorry for my husband for taking the heat from his family. On the other hand, I blame him of not speaking up for himself for too long.

I spotted on Friday February 27 when Joe told me the family drama he had been dealing for the whole week. Spotting stopped but the cramps did not, it started Friday night and went all the way up till Tuesday morning. I goggled spotting and cramps Saturday morning, and I knew the there was a chance that I might be experiencing a miscarriage. I was too afraid to tell my mom when she called Saturday night. I was simply too afraid to deal with what if my suspicion came true.

Joe and I have been together for 3 1/2 years and he had never seen me in a state of distress and despair the weekend of Feb 28 / March 1. The fact that I was in despair sent Joe to the land of heartache. Joe knows all along that there has been tension between his mom and me, but he has chosen to remain silent. He thinks by doing that, he would do no harm to each party. Little did he know that he was causing me a great deal of pain by not standing up for me. People often say that hormones change drastically during the first trimester of pregnancy. I did not experience it until this troublesome weekend. I could not stop crying; I cried when we were driving home from work, I cried when I was writing my blog, I even cried myself to sleep. In a nutshell, I was a nerve-wreck. The burden of stress was unbearable that I lost a few pounds that weekend.

Joe wrote a long yet heart-felt e-mail to his mom and his two sisters, outlining the so called "issues" his mom and his sister raised after reading my blog. Later on, Joe’s sister Melissa even admitted that Joe’s mom and his sister Carla were reading my blog, solely to find dirt. I started having my own blog since Joe and I were engaged. The blog's primary purpose is to keep track of all the wedding details. When the wedding was over, I was lost for a while as I did not know what to write on my blog. I soon developed an interest in cooking, so the blog turned into my own culinary experience. When I found out I was pregnant in Nov, I decided to turn this blog to my pregnancy blog.

My blog is my diary. I write from my heart, from my perspectives. Sugar-coating anything is not my style of writing, and at the same time, I have no intentions to write anything malicious on my blog. I write what I saw, what I heard and what I experienced. For those people who do not accept the "truth", they should not be visiting my blog in the first place. If they think that they can find “dirt” in my blog, then they are just wasting their time.

From what I gathered, here are the issues that Joe's mom and Joe's sister Carla brought up after reading my blog:

1. Joe's mom is mad that she is not the first to know I am pregnant. I am extremely close to my parents, and of course, they should be the first to know. They found out when I was 4 1/2 weeks pregnant. Our friends, Barry and Annette found out when I was about 6 weeks pregnant. When Joe finally called his family about the news, I asked that he called my in laws, Carl and Sandy first, as I am closer to them than anyone else in Joe's family. For all the things Joe's mom did and said about me, why should she be the first to know about the good news?

2. Joe's mom is mad that she found out I am closer to my in laws, Carl and Sandy than her. Mere jealously. She thinks that she is losing control, which she had never had over me anyway. Joe later on explained to her that my in laws have never said anything bad about me, and they have been nothing by supportive to Joe and me. It is what it is, and if she has a problem with this, then it is just something she needs to deal with as my bond with Sandy will not change just because she is mad. Since the day Joe and I were engaged, the things she said about me are simply beyond comprehension. She challenges every decision I made:
-- She commented that we spent too much on our first home. Real estates in Saint John, NB are completely different than the real estates in Ottawa. What does she know about housing in Ottawa?
-- She asked why we needed a landline as Joe has never had a landline and he was just fine. A landline costs less than $30 a month, and we need the landline to connect with the home security system.
-- She asked why we needed a home security system. She "thinks" that only rich people need home security system. If she has ever been to Vancouver or Toronto, she would then understand that having a home security system is as common as having a HD TV at home.
-- After I paid off her credit card balance in the December of 2006, she asked that I deleted her bank account inforamtion off my computer so that I could not mess around her account. Ok... let's face it. Other than keep putting money in her account, what "mess" could I possibly do? I had helped her financially twice, and not once was she grateful of my help. Instead she told Joe that I was mean and rude, and had no right to tell her that Joe and I could no longer help her out financially anymore (after I explained to her that we were saving up for the wedding and for the house!) Seriously... this is unreal?
I have kept my mouth shut for the longest time ever as I know that she is always the trigger point of every heated argument I have with Joe. At one point, Joe and I both agreed that our world should not revolve around his mom as she has no bearings in our life as a married couple. Through times, we have learned to steer our conversation away from his mom, and our married life has improved a lot.

3. Joe's mom is mad that Joe was upset when he got his Christmas present this year. Joe was upset (though later on, Joe claimed that he was not furious, but I knew he was mad) that his mom would not even put my name on the Christmas card she sent Joe. To me, it does not bother me if my name was on that card or not. To Joe, it means a great deal. I can't help but wonder, for this coming Christmas, will she simply address the card to, "To my son and my grandchild". To me, her act was childish and she was trying to prove a point that she still has control over her son.

4. Joe's sister Carla, on the other hand, I have never had any ill feelings towards her until this past weekend. Although I do not agree with the way she over-rewards her children with tons of material things. But I am not a mom yet, so what do I know right? My theory is simple. As long as her actions do not cost me or my family any harm, it is none of my business. This past weekend, she bullied me, and she threatened me. She said that I have no right to mention her son's name in my blog. She said that I should not have mentioned that her son has a brain tumor / cyst. She kept insisting that a cyst is different than a tumor. Being the queen of Google, I found out that a cyst is a type of tumor, a benign tumor. Reason I mentioned the brain cyst on my blog is that I am worried that the cyst runs in Joe's family and that our child will somehow get this cyst. I am a typical mom-to-be, and I simply want to make sure my child is healthy. Joe asked her once if she can get the proper medical name of this cyst as my OB / GYN needs to know in order to narrow down the chance of hereditary. She replied saying that she can't remember the name. I find this hard to believe as she is the mother of the child, and how could she not remember the name. I really think that she does not want to share information, which I find this unreasonable.

5. She kept calling our house, left tons of messages, asking me to take down her son's name off my blog. E-mails turned to annoying e-mails, and annoying e-mails turned to threatening e-mails. Before I got the annoying e-mail, I was ready to go and reword my blog a bit as I did not want Joe to get trapped in the middle in this. When I got her last e-mail, I was furious! My anger was beyond a normal person could understand. I was bullied and I was threatened. She sure had no right to do this to me! A coworker told me once that I fight like a pitbull. I never truly understand this comment until this past Sunday night. I do not believe in bullying and manipulation, I do not bully people and I expect others will not bully me at the same time. The fact that Joe's sister Carla bullied and threatened me is unforgivable. I understand that she was mad and she was frustrated. However, she has to understand that she needs to be responsible for her own actions. What she said on her e-mail has created a permanent crack in my limited and superficial relationship with her. She demanded that she has a right to come to Ottawa to visit Joe and the baby, and made it clear that I will not be in the picture, and that I have no right to refuse her visit. I am not sure if she is a logical person or not. How could she come to visit her brother and the baby but not me? She said this just to insult me. Little did she know that she also insulted her brother at the same time. If she has trouble accepting her brother's family, then she should not be coming to Ottawa. After this incident, I e-mailed her (and cc Joe, so there won't be any he said, she said situation) and asked that she stops e-mailing me, as I do not wish to have any further communications with her.
I made it very clear to Joe that his sister Carla is not welcome in our home. She caused me a great deal of stress and pain and that's probably why I had cramps for three days in a row. She had put my life and my baby's life in danger. In my eyes, she is dangerous and she is going to hurt my child. Being a mom, I fight like a pitbull to protect my child. What I experienced this past weekend was unreal and I could not believe that people, who claim to love Joe very much, are the people actually caused my baby's harm. I have no reason to forgive Carla for what she had done. Not being able to come visit the baby and not being able to be part of the baby’s life will be a price she needs to pay for her wrong-doings. Had she been rational, she would have known that she had gone too far to hurt his brother's wife and the baby, and the damages she single-handedly caused could not be un-done and she will never be forgiven by her brother's family.

OB / GYN appointment was on March 4. The night before the doctor's appointment I wrote Joe two letters. One letter for him to read if in fact, I lost the baby. The other one was for him to read if the baby was healthy. I gave him both letters the morning of the appointment and asked him only to read one of the two letters after the doctor's appointment. Joe does not follow instructions very well and I later found out that he read both letters before the appointment.

I was relieved when I heard the heart beat of the baby. It was 150 bpm. I almost had tears in my eyes when I heard the heartbeat. I told the doctor what happened on the weekend, and she was very sympathetic and asked that I take things easy for the next little while, as I am the life-line of the baby. Whatever stress I feel, the baby feels the stress 10x stronger.

When I got home from the appointment, I called my mom immediately to let her know that the baby was fine. She was also relieved too! She only asked Joe to protect me from his mom and his sister, and not to cause me and the baby any more un-necessary harm.

I then e-mailed Carl and Sandy and let them know that the baby was ok. The day before the doctor's appointment, I received a very heart-felt e-mail from them. I told them the chaos on the weekend and they sent us a very encouraging e-mail and asked us to be strong and stay united as a couple. I can't thank them enough for their kind words and support!

Despite of all the negativities, I got a few positive things out of this chaos:

1. Dad and mom are very supportive. They are happy that I am pregnant, and that they will be having their very first grandchild. However, they put my health first over anything and in no way, do they see me as a mere vehicle to give them a grandchild.

2. My in laws, Carl and Sandy are also very supportive and caring. I feel that my bond with Sandy has once again, strengthened. She truly understands how an outsider to the Vautour's family feels. I feel that I am not alone in this battle!

3. My husband Joe... I started to see him from a different perspective. He had never stood up for me in front of his family, and I've always thought that he would never do it. Before I was pregnant, I was fine with it as I was strong enough to fight all the non-sense that came my way. With this pregnancy, I feel vulnerable, something completely foreign to me. I was surprised that my husband had the courage to stand up for me in front of his mother. He was very irritated by all his mom's wrongful accusations and excuses. He finally told his mom and his sister Carla that enough is enough. This was the time I started to feel a stronger bond with Joe, and that I have a true appreciation of Joe’s courage and persistence. Our marriage has strengthened. He has proved to me that our marriage is sacred that no one can shatter, and that no one will stand in between us. Joe and I will continue to stand united a couple to fight all the non sense that comes our way.

4. Joe's sister Melissa. I have always liked her. She is the reasonable one in Joe's family. She sent us an e-mail Sunday afternoon. It was a warm e-mail. She was afraid that we would cut her off because of what Joe's mom and Carla did. She asked us to be in Hailey's life and at the same time, she hopes that she can also be in our baby's life. She has never said anything bad about me. She has never done anything to destroy my marriage, and she has never caused me pain and stress. I see no reason why she should not be in our life. I am glad that Joe and Melissa are close, and that Joe can really talk to Melissa. She reasons and she understands!

5. God. My faith in God has never diminished. In fact, my faith in God had strengthened in the past weekend. When I was in despair and that I thought Joe would side with his mom once again, I turned to God for help. I asked God to grant me strength and courage to deal with the chaos that Joe's mom, once again, created in our life. I asked God to put perspectives in Joe's mom so that she could understand that I did not steal her son away from her. I asked God to help Joe's mom to understand that by asking Joe to choose between her and me, she is causing Joe a great deal of pain and that she is also creating inevitable fallout with Joe. The story of Footprints occurred in my mind at least a dozen times during that weekend. I kept reciting the following phrase in my head:

"My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."