Stress... it is good or bad?

It depends. To me, I believe a certain level of stress works as a pushing force to me.

A lot of people see stress as the plaque. I often hear people say, "Gosh! I am so stressed out..." and next thing you know, this person goes on stress leave for an infinite amount of time. There is nothing wrong about going on stress leave, just not my game. I always find that going on stress leave is a way of admitting your own weakness and failure of finding balance in life.

For me... I tend to perform better with stress in my work life. My boss had 3 serious surgeries in the last two weeks. His heart stopped last Sunday, and at some point in time, I thought his chance of survival was slim. Updates of my boss's condition flood in throughout the day, the last I heard was that his condition has been stabilized... not getting worse, but not getting better either. For sure he will be out of the office for a long time, and perhaps he will have an early retirement.

With my boss away from the office, most of his work ended up on my plate. Last week, I was swamped... literally. Was I stressed? A bit, but at the same time, I was excited by this wave of stress. I know this sounds weird... however, that was the time I realized that I perform better when I am stressed. My mind is sharp and the decisions I take are good.

I cook and bake when I am stressed or overworked. I also take long walks in the park, with my MP3. Of course, at the end of day, Joe is the winner... he has been complimenting on my cooking lately... I suspect that one of these days, he will be shouting, "Keep the STRESS coming!"

I tried out two new recipes so far this week... Thanks to my new friend "Eat, Shrink and Be Merry"!

ONE LOAF TO LOVE
1 1/2 lbs extra lean ground beef (COSTCO's ground beef, of course...)
1/2 cup dry unseasoned bread crumbs
1 cup finely diced mushrooms
1/2 cup each finely diced red bell peppers, zucchini and onions
1 tsp minced garlic
1/2 tsp dried basil (I used fresh sweet basil in my herb garden)
1 pkg hamburger seasoning mix
1 egg
1/4 cup freshly ground pepper
1/2 cup packed shredded light monterey jack
1/2 cup plus 2 tbsp bbq sauce

preheat oven to 375F. Spray a medium non stick skillet with cooking spray. Add mushrooms, red pepper, zucchini, onions and garlic. Cook and stir over medium heat until vegetables are tender, Add basil.

in a large bowl, combine ground beef, bread crumbs, 1/4 cup BBQ sauce, hamburger seasoning mix, egg, parsley, and pepper. Mix well with hands.

on a large sheet of waxed paper, form meat mixture into a 10x12 inch rectangle. Spread vegetable mixture over meat. Sprinkle with cheese. Roll up meat loaf, roll as tightly as possible.

transfer meat to a broiler pan and bake for 40 mins. Add 1/2 tbsp bbq sauce and bake for 10 more mins.

VOILA... meat loaf to die for.

*** I find that the rolling part is the hardest. I would suggest using a meat loaf pan, bottom layer: meat mixture,middle layer: vegetable mixture, cheese, top layer: meat mixture with bbq sauce.

Cooking Part II...

Day Two in trying out a new recipe...

Thigh Master
Braised balsamic chicken with wild mushroom sauce
(from Eat Shrink and be Merry!)

1 tbsp olive oil
8 skinless (bone-in) chicken thighs (about 1.5 lbs/680 g)
1 small red onion, thinly sliced into rings
2 tsp minced garlic
3 cups sliced wild mixed mushrooms (such as cremini and shiitake)
2 tbsp balsamic vinegar (see tip below)
1 tsp dried tarragon
1/2 tsp dried thyme
1 cup chicken broth
1/4 tsp freshly ground black pepper
1/4 cup light (5%) sour cream (I forgot to pick up sour cream at LOEB, so I added 2% milk instead...)
2 tsp cornstarch
Chopped fresh parsley for garnish, optional


You’ll need a 10-inch non-stick skillet with a lid for this recipe. Heat olive oil in skillet over medium-high heat. Add chicken thighs and cook for a minute or two on each side, until lightly browned. Remove chicken from skillet and keep warm.

Add onions and garlic to same skillet. Cook and stir until onions begin to soften, about 3 minutes. Add mushrooms and cook until mushrooms are tender, about 3 more minutes. Stir in balsamic vinegar, tarragon and thyme. Cook for one more minute. Add chicken broth and black pepper. Bring mixture to a boil. Reduce heat to medium-low. Return chicken to skillet, cover and simmer for 15 to 20 minutes, or until chicken is cooked through and no longer pink in the center.

Remove chicken from skillet and keep warm. Return skillet to medium heat. In a small bowl, mix sour cream and cornstarch until smooth. Add sour-cream mixture to sauce in skillet. Cook and stir until sauce bubbles and thickens slightly. Serve hot mushroom sauce over chicken and top with chopped fresh parsley, if desired.


Makes 4 servings

Should there be a life outside work?

My boss has been hospitalized since last Monday, he had aortic aneurysm. Looks like he will be off work for quite a long time. During his absence, I've taken over part of his duties, and tried to manage doing my work while handling the added workload. Though it is tough, and I often find that a million things are still undone by the time I go home, it is a challenge and I enjoy this process.

My boss is a funny person, and he is the type of person whom one would like to be friends with. However, when it comes to work, he is very uptight and takes things very seriously and personally. Often times, he works from home on the weekends. There were a few weekends I would get a call from him at 7am Saturday morning, when I just got in at 2am from a late dancing night!

My boss's unfortunate incident makes me wonder a few things:
1/ should there be a life outside work?
2/ why do people need to bring work home? Is this the norm in the current society?

I learnt the hard way of not bringing work to home. It took me almost three years to have a life outside work. I used to work 6 days a week, at least 13 hours a day. When I got diagnosed of ovarian tumour in 2002, I went in for an extensive surgery, as a result, I was off work for 6 weeks. During those 6 weeks, I slowly came to the realization that there IS a life outside work. It was a painful realization. When I went back to work, I slowly cut back on my hours and started getting active socially. I got myself a gym membership, started looking for a companion (well, not men, but dogs!), and developed an interest in going to museums and orchestras.

I used to go to the office on the weekends to finish up what was left behind on Fridays. Well... I was single back in those days, and being a single gal in a new city... instead of going out and meet boys (some of my coworkers from Vancouver did that every week for the first two years in Ottawa), I chose to buried myself in pile of endless work. Sometimes, I even brought work home and worked on Sundays after church. At that time, my Braun coffeemaker is my soulmate.

My medical condition in 2001 served as an awakening to me. It had really put my life in perspective. Had I kept working the same way I used to be, here is a list of things that could have possibily happened:

1. heart attack -- as I have Type A personality
2. I would still be single today... how would I have time to meet Joe and manage to spend weekends in Kingston with him?
3. I would have never adopted Bee Bee, my lovely 4 1/2-year-old Shih Zhu!
4. I would never have time to think about getting a second Shih Zhu... just that I need to convince Joe we need a second furry ball named Boo Boo in the house! (ok confession: it is not a need, but more or less a want!)

Cooking...

Believe it or not, I tend to cook very well under pressure. I usually cook without a recipe... more like mix and match.

Lately, I found myself spending a lot of time reading a copy of Crazy Plates which I bought it in 2001, before moving out to Ottawa. I know this sounds dorky, but I find that trying a new recipe makes me calm and it takes my mind off on the things that bother me.

Tonight I tried out a new recipe from Crazy Plates and Joe loves the dish!

Marla's Maple Pork
(rosed pork tenderloin drizzled with a zesty maple and orange sauce)

1-1/2 lbs pork tenderloin (I used bnls pork chops as there are tons in the deep freezer!)
1/2 cup pure maple syrup
2 tbsp each reduced-sodium soy sauce and ketchup
1 tbsp dijon mustard
2 tsp grated orange zest
1-1/2 tsp each curry powder and ground coriander
1 tsp worchestershire sauce
2 cloves garlic, minced

trim pork of all visible fat. Place pork in a large, heavy duty resealable plastic bag. Whisk together all remaining ingredients in a medium bowl. Pour over pork in bag. Seal bag and allow pork to marinated in refrigerator for 1 hour.

transfer pork and marinade to a small roasting pan or baking dish. Roast, uncovered at 350 for 40 mins.

Let pork stand for 10 mins before slicing (I skipped this part as I used pork chops). Slice thinly Drizzle extra sauce over pork.

I make wild rice to go with the pork... what a yummy dish!

Responsibilities...

I am a granddaughter, a daughter and a wife.

My grandmother lives in Hong Kong. She been recently diagnosed of lung cancer and she is dying. I am 17-hour plane ride away from her. The saddest part is that I can't even get on a plane to go see her, probably for the last time. I feel sick to the stomach as I can't doing anything at all.

My parents live in Vancouver. My grandmother's sickness has a great impact on my mom, and she has been stressing out so much lately trying to get a flight from Vancouver to Hong Kong. The Olympics in Beijing and that Air Canada and Cathy Pacifics have cancelled over 10 direct flights from Vancouver to HK do not really help much here. Last week, mom told me that she is flying out on Aug 26, and then my dad will fly out in early September. This morning while driving home from the hospital, my mom called and told me that she will be flying out tomorrow. My grandmother's condition is getting worse and my mother has gotten herself a seat on the next flight to Hong Kong. I am 5-hour plane ride away from my mom, and I can't simply drop everything to fly home and be with my mom, and this saddens me to my core.

My husband Joe's heart procedure took place at 8am this morning at the Heart Institute. I am writing this as I am waiting patiently to find out if the procedure was successful. Joe is only an arm's length away, and I am his pillar. I have been as supportive as I can, and I know I can take care of him.

I have been struggling for the last few weeks. I have been trying to find out where my responsibilities lie.As a daughter, I want to go home to be with my mom, as I am sure she needs me. As a granddaughter, I want to spend time with my grandmother. As a wife, I know I need to support my husband. Unfortunately, these three people all live in different places and logistically, I can't be at all these places at the same time. While Joe and I were waiting to find out when his procedure would take place, Joe relies on me a lot, and I knew I needed to stay with him. At the same time, I felt guilty of not being able to fly home and see my mom. I was frustrated to find out that no matter what decision I take, I would regret it for a long time in my life.

At the end, I decided to stay here with Joe as Joe and I are alone in Ottawa. He is all I have here and vice versa. I can't think of any reasons of leaving him behind, all alone in the city. My aunts, uncles and cousins are all in Hong Kong, so at least my grandmother is not alone there to fight the battle. My elder sister and my dad are there for my mom in Vancouver, so my mom is not alone. So, I did find some sort of comfort in that. However,at the end of the day, deep down in my heart, I know I have not fulfilled the responsibilities as a daughter or a grand daughter, and this makes me very guilty and sad.

July -- A very sad month

Last night, I went to bed feeling very sad. This morning, I woke up feeling even sadder than last night. Strangely enough, the sky was grey, flowers were not blooming and the birds were no where to be seen. I was hoping that what I experienced last night was just a dream, and when morning comes and the sun is up, everything will get back to normal. One could only hope.

The month of July was a tough month in the Vautour-Pang's residence. In the beginning of the month, I went in for my surgery (Lapascopy) and was off work for three weeks. When I was 90% recovered from my surgery, Joe went in for his heart surgery (Ablation) on July 30. Though his procedure was, later on, cancelled due to the the doctor's schedule, the stress that both of us were experiencing in the last few weeks were tremendous. On the last day of the month, while chatting on the phone with mom, I found out that my 89 year-old grandmother was diagnosed of lung cancer earlier in the week.

My first reaction to the news was surprisingly calm. While my mom was chatting, and later on sobbing away on the other end of the line, I was calm enough to comfort my mom and helped map out the fastest way to fly to Hong Kong. The month of August is a peak season for the route between Vancouver and Hong Kong, and it is next to impossible to book a flight on Air Canada.

After I hung up the phone, I then went to the basement (where Joe, as usual, was going through those hundreds of new feeds he subscribed to) and broke the news to Joe. I was neither upset or emotional. My mind was blank. It felt like I was watching the news earlier, and when the news was over, I went and gave Joe a recap of the news.

Then I decided to go take a shower and get ready for bed. When I was alone in the bathroom, with the water running in the shower, and the steam began to fog up the mirror, this was the time the news of my grandmother's sickness finally hit me. I was upset, frightened, scared, depressed, angry and helpless. My heart hurt so much that I wish I could yank it out so I would not feel the pain. The pain was so unbearable it felt like my heart got squeezed, my hands were shaking and I could feel my legs going numb. I lied on the cold bathroom floor, with tears running down my cheeks. At this time, the pain and hallowness of the news had completely embraced me. I started praying. "God, please come in and talk to me." I said. "Even for just a minute." I added. I was desparate to get a reassurance from God that everything would be ok. I said "Our Father" for 50 times while lying on the stony cold bathroom floor.

My grandmother... she is a brave woman. My grandfather worked on a ship and was only home on the weekends. My grandmother single handedly raised 4 kids. Life was harsh at that time, my grandmother taught her kids true happiness can't be found in materialistic things, and always be self - sufficient and do not always rely on others to offer a helping hand. My mom memorized these values by heart, and today, these values have become mine, and I have also passed these values to my husband and it is my hope, one day, our kid will also shape his / her life based on my grandmother's values.

My grandmother... she is a wonderful cook. I remember the feast we had every Chinese New Year. The dishes she made always filled up the entire round table which seats 10 people. When I spent my summer in 1997 in Hong Kong with my grandmother. She taught me the perfect way of making hot oatmeal, and ever since then, instant oatmeal and I were no longer friends.

The last time I visited my grandmother was the summer of 1997. During these 11 years, my grandmother aged and moved to an intensive care seniors' home. My parents go to Hong Kong every year to visit my grandmother and they always send me pictures of each visit. In the pictures, there is evidence of aging of my grandmother. But in my mind, the image of my grandmother was the time we went to Pizza Hut together and shared a Hawaiian Pizza. We talked, we laughed and we had a great time.

My grandmother is 89-year-old. Chemotherapy, radiation and surgery will not be options for my grandmother. The doctor told us that at this point, not much can be done. This makes me sad, sad to my core. I am sad and angry that there is nothing I can do to help my grandmother.... the person who is an excellent cook, a teacher and a friend. I am helpless.... and depressed.

For those of you who read my blog... please include my grandmother in your prayers!