Advice from the Wise

The Art of a Good Marriage

Since our engagement in February 2007, we have asked our parents and married friends for advice, or more specifically, what makes a good and lasting marriage. We have put together all their pointers and advice and have come up with the following:

Happiness in marriage is not something that just happens. A good marriage must be created. In marriage the little things are the big things. It is never being too old to hold hands. It is remembering to say “I love you” at least once a day. It is never going to sleep angry. It is at no time taking the other for granted; the courtship should not end with the honeymoon, it should continue through the years. It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives. It is standing together facing the world. It is forming a circle of love that gathers the two families. It is doing things for each other, not in the attitude of duty or sacrifice, but in the spirit of joy. It is speaking words of appreciation and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways. It is not looking for perfection in each other. It is cultivating flexibility, patience, understanding and a sense of humor. It is have the capacity to forgive and forget. It is giving each other an atmosphere in which one can grow old. It is a common search for the good and the beautiful. It is establishing a relationship in which the independence is equal, dependence is mutual and the obligation is reciprocal. It is not only marrying the right partner, it is being the right partner.

Valentine's Day

Joe proposed on Valentine's Day last year, so this year's Valentine's day has dual meaning to us. The week prior to Valentine's Day, I had been bugging Joe to tell me what he had planned. All he told me is that it would be a surprise, and that I would be very impressed.
The day started off with him getting me two dozens of long stem roses. 1 dozen of red roses and 1 dozen of vendella roses. I love vendella roses, and it is actually the offical flower at the wedding! He even took them time to arrange them in a vase and then brought them to my desk at work! So, when I came back to my desk after my coffee break, I saw this huge vase and lots of flowers in it!
Joe made a dinner reservation "somewhere in Downtown, with underground parking" at 6:30pm, so when we got home from work, I was busy figuring out what to wear. Not knowing exactly where we were going, it was hard for me to pick an outfit! I was debating between my one piece black cocktail dress (well, every gal has to have a black sexy cocktail dress right) or a halter top with pants. Finally, I went with my classic cocktail dress! Then Joe gave me the second surprise... He said " I love you" in Chinese!!! OMG! That was SUPER IMPRESSIVE!!!!! :-)
So exactly where did he take me for dinner? Baton Rouge in Downtown! It is one of my many favourite restaurants and I was very impressed that Joe picked this restaurant! After we ordered, we then exchanged gifts!
I put together a photo album (www.mypubisher.com) for Joe. The album contains all pics we took together plus the engagement pics! I started working on this since the beginning of January, and it was hard to do it at home while Joe was there. I did stayed up a few nights to get it organized! When Joe opened this gift, he thought it was a picture frame with one of our engagement pic in it, then he realized it is a photo album! His face lit up when he turned the page, and he was completely blown away and had tears in his eyes!
What did Joe got me? He picked up a nice cherry wood jewlery box at the sample sale at work. So I knew that was my present. Little did I know that there was more to it. When I opened the jewlry box, I found tons of Lindt's chocolate hearts, with a CD " From The Heart 2008" and also... a two tone gold necklace with diamond! I was so surprised and was completely speechless! I did not expect that Joe went all the way to pamper me! He told me that not only it was just Valentine's Day, and it was also our engagement anniversary! It was a great night and both of us had a great time!

Forgive and Forget

With the wedding planning under control for now, I could finally sit back and relax a bit and clean up all those e-mails from friends and family.

Joe and I had a discussion on forgive and forget last weekend. He is an overly forgiving person and I, on the other hand, is at the other end of the spectrum. Funny that I came across a friend's blog last night and coincidently she wrote about forgiveness as well. This made me wonder if being overly forgiving is a good thing or not.

Friends who know me well enough all know that my world is black and white, and there is no grey area. I openly admit that I have reservations in forgiving people. I take my time slowly to reason and reflect. I am worried that by forgiving someone, it implies that I am actually giving this person permission to repeat the same behaviour again.

I believe in confrontation. I always think that this is the only way to closure, which then leads to forgive and forget. I am a brutally honest person, and I do not sugar-coat anything. We are all adults and we should all be responsible for our own actions.

All my close friends and family know that something awful happened last February, and it has been bothering me ever since. It seems that my memory is so good that I have a hard time letting go. I admire people who can claim short term memory loss to block out bad memories, and at the same time, get away with what they did. I was hurt to my core, and began to doubt the foundations of human relationship, existence of respect and dignity among people. Should relationship be based on long term manipulation, threatening and lies? My world was simple yet peaceful leading to this event, and things changed drastically and my world was shaken to its core. For about a month, I could not find stability and harmony in my world. I was helpless, confused, scared, terrified, disappointed, frustrated and furious.

For the last 12 months, I was searching for clues, explanations and answers to what happened. To me, it was a long journey to self-discovery. I discovered that some people do shoot the messenger when the truth and reality is delivered. I discovered that some people do live in the world of denial. I discovered that some people are masters of manipulation. I discovered that some people are capable to turn the situation around, from being at fault to being a victim. I discovered that this world is far from being perfect. I also discovered the ugliest side of the human race.

Forgiving someone is also a way of letting the past go. I agreed with what my friend wrote on her blog. I find it extremely difficult to forgive someone who does not ask for it, and even harder to forgive those who think that they are not at fault, and they do not need forgiveness in the first place.