Responsibilities...

I am a granddaughter, a daughter and a wife.

My grandmother lives in Hong Kong. She been recently diagnosed of lung cancer and she is dying. I am 17-hour plane ride away from her. The saddest part is that I can't even get on a plane to go see her, probably for the last time. I feel sick to the stomach as I can't doing anything at all.

My parents live in Vancouver. My grandmother's sickness has a great impact on my mom, and she has been stressing out so much lately trying to get a flight from Vancouver to Hong Kong. The Olympics in Beijing and that Air Canada and Cathy Pacifics have cancelled over 10 direct flights from Vancouver to HK do not really help much here. Last week, mom told me that she is flying out on Aug 26, and then my dad will fly out in early September. This morning while driving home from the hospital, my mom called and told me that she will be flying out tomorrow. My grandmother's condition is getting worse and my mother has gotten herself a seat on the next flight to Hong Kong. I am 5-hour plane ride away from my mom, and I can't simply drop everything to fly home and be with my mom, and this saddens me to my core.

My husband Joe's heart procedure took place at 8am this morning at the Heart Institute. I am writing this as I am waiting patiently to find out if the procedure was successful. Joe is only an arm's length away, and I am his pillar. I have been as supportive as I can, and I know I can take care of him.

I have been struggling for the last few weeks. I have been trying to find out where my responsibilities lie.As a daughter, I want to go home to be with my mom, as I am sure she needs me. As a granddaughter, I want to spend time with my grandmother. As a wife, I know I need to support my husband. Unfortunately, these three people all live in different places and logistically, I can't be at all these places at the same time. While Joe and I were waiting to find out when his procedure would take place, Joe relies on me a lot, and I knew I needed to stay with him. At the same time, I felt guilty of not being able to fly home and see my mom. I was frustrated to find out that no matter what decision I take, I would regret it for a long time in my life.

At the end, I decided to stay here with Joe as Joe and I are alone in Ottawa. He is all I have here and vice versa. I can't think of any reasons of leaving him behind, all alone in the city. My aunts, uncles and cousins are all in Hong Kong, so at least my grandmother is not alone there to fight the battle. My elder sister and my dad are there for my mom in Vancouver, so my mom is not alone. So, I did find some sort of comfort in that. However,at the end of the day, deep down in my heart, I know I have not fulfilled the responsibilities as a daughter or a grand daughter, and this makes me very guilty and sad.