July -- A very sad month

Last night, I went to bed feeling very sad. This morning, I woke up feeling even sadder than last night. Strangely enough, the sky was grey, flowers were not blooming and the birds were no where to be seen. I was hoping that what I experienced last night was just a dream, and when morning comes and the sun is up, everything will get back to normal. One could only hope.

The month of July was a tough month in the Vautour-Pang's residence. In the beginning of the month, I went in for my surgery (Lapascopy) and was off work for three weeks. When I was 90% recovered from my surgery, Joe went in for his heart surgery (Ablation) on July 30. Though his procedure was, later on, cancelled due to the the doctor's schedule, the stress that both of us were experiencing in the last few weeks were tremendous. On the last day of the month, while chatting on the phone with mom, I found out that my 89 year-old grandmother was diagnosed of lung cancer earlier in the week.

My first reaction to the news was surprisingly calm. While my mom was chatting, and later on sobbing away on the other end of the line, I was calm enough to comfort my mom and helped map out the fastest way to fly to Hong Kong. The month of August is a peak season for the route between Vancouver and Hong Kong, and it is next to impossible to book a flight on Air Canada.

After I hung up the phone, I then went to the basement (where Joe, as usual, was going through those hundreds of new feeds he subscribed to) and broke the news to Joe. I was neither upset or emotional. My mind was blank. It felt like I was watching the news earlier, and when the news was over, I went and gave Joe a recap of the news.

Then I decided to go take a shower and get ready for bed. When I was alone in the bathroom, with the water running in the shower, and the steam began to fog up the mirror, this was the time the news of my grandmother's sickness finally hit me. I was upset, frightened, scared, depressed, angry and helpless. My heart hurt so much that I wish I could yank it out so I would not feel the pain. The pain was so unbearable it felt like my heart got squeezed, my hands were shaking and I could feel my legs going numb. I lied on the cold bathroom floor, with tears running down my cheeks. At this time, the pain and hallowness of the news had completely embraced me. I started praying. "God, please come in and talk to me." I said. "Even for just a minute." I added. I was desparate to get a reassurance from God that everything would be ok. I said "Our Father" for 50 times while lying on the stony cold bathroom floor.

My grandmother... she is a brave woman. My grandfather worked on a ship and was only home on the weekends. My grandmother single handedly raised 4 kids. Life was harsh at that time, my grandmother taught her kids true happiness can't be found in materialistic things, and always be self - sufficient and do not always rely on others to offer a helping hand. My mom memorized these values by heart, and today, these values have become mine, and I have also passed these values to my husband and it is my hope, one day, our kid will also shape his / her life based on my grandmother's values.

My grandmother... she is a wonderful cook. I remember the feast we had every Chinese New Year. The dishes she made always filled up the entire round table which seats 10 people. When I spent my summer in 1997 in Hong Kong with my grandmother. She taught me the perfect way of making hot oatmeal, and ever since then, instant oatmeal and I were no longer friends.

The last time I visited my grandmother was the summer of 1997. During these 11 years, my grandmother aged and moved to an intensive care seniors' home. My parents go to Hong Kong every year to visit my grandmother and they always send me pictures of each visit. In the pictures, there is evidence of aging of my grandmother. But in my mind, the image of my grandmother was the time we went to Pizza Hut together and shared a Hawaiian Pizza. We talked, we laughed and we had a great time.

My grandmother is 89-year-old. Chemotherapy, radiation and surgery will not be options for my grandmother. The doctor told us that at this point, not much can be done. This makes me sad, sad to my core. I am sad and angry that there is nothing I can do to help my grandmother.... the person who is an excellent cook, a teacher and a friend. I am helpless.... and depressed.

For those of you who read my blog... please include my grandmother in your prayers!